writings

how i wish i could express myself through writing.
i'm sometimes capable of doing it.
i wish i could do it more often.

i sit here. in what use to be my room.
i should be working on my project, but i'm not procrastinating.
my aunt hasn't called me back, so i can't leave yet.
so many ideas going through my head.
i don't think i'll finish this. there's a lot of work to do.

trying to find out who am i. i guess that's what i'm using this project for.
there are so many questions about the past of my relatives.
there is so much on their backs, on my back.
my ucla friend made me realize that. they cycle goes on.
what they hold on their backs continues to be on mine.
i hope this all goes well and everyone opens up.

i sometimes feel like i have s p l i t personalities.
i tend to be different people to myself and to others.
i don't do it on purpose, because even when i'm alone i think differently.
it's strange.
i was called insane yesterday. i admitted that i was.
i know i need help, but who doesn't these days?
the more i learn the more i feel i'm losing my mind.
the more i experience the more i feel like i'm losing my mind.
the more i live the more i feel like i'm losing my mind.
i can't escaped it, might as well accept it.

this astrology stuff has really gotten to me.
it's been in my mind since thanksgiving.
in almost ever aspect it encompasses who i am.
because of this i have put my horoscope on my desktop.
today's:

"your deep attachment to the loved ones feels strong and secure today. no matter what happens, you'll deal with it. that's true commitment."

it's funny. i remember wanting to start this blog with my astrological sign description [cancer].
this wouldn't let me. i suppose because it was plagiarism. i did quote, it still didn't take it. oh well.
i've been trying to get in touch with different parts of myself that i knew were there, but i didn't know could be pursued.
it all pulls me in. all of this which is considered not to be normal.
there is no definition to normal.

i'm sandy. i'm not normal. i'm no one else.
even then i don't know how to be myself. i don't know who i am.
i want to go find myself.
the one home told me "you can't find yourself, you make yourself"
i never knew he could make so much sense.
i want to make myself into the person that i believe that i am or could be.
it's hard to really say that, because i do feel like i am lost.
in the past i knew exactly who i was, now she's gone.
lost in time. lost within all of this new knowledge that i have.
she'll never return. i haven't accepted that. i want to be the girl that i once knew.
the girl that everyone knew.
i guess that's a part of growing up. that girl is gone and all that is left is this womyn.
i'm not familiar with this womyn. i don't like her that much.
this is aggravating!
this is too much for me right now.
i need to focus.