thoughts

sometimes i wonder if i'm the one that trips myself out. i honestly wouldn't doubt it, i do tend to over think things. thinking too much can't be bad, can it? i guess it really all depends on what i'm thinking about...

living in an apartment full of silence tends to make me think a lot. it's nice, but at the same time it's not. i know very well that i'm not alone and i try to at least make it clear that i acknowledge the other person is in the room. i want him to know that i'm not pretending he doesn't exist.
i'm not sure what his thoughts are on that, but i do tend to feel invisible when he's around. this isn't anything new in my life, maybe that's why i'm not going crazy.

the thing that does drive me crazy are the reasons for this. it's ridiculous and immature, and i'm taking part in this. i was determined to go through with the silence on purpose at first, then i realized that it was childish. every time i was about to attempt to end this i would get frustrated by him when he stomped through the apartment and only say bye to my friend as he left really loudly and obvious. this would not only annoy me, but it would anger me as well. it's extremely aggravating! it would only make me question why i would want to talk to a person that acts in such a manner. i know that i was playing the same game, but not in such a dramatic way. silence. that's all i used. no stomping around, no dramatic gestures, not saying things that i know will get on his nerves. there is no reason for this to continue, yet it's so hard to stop.
i have tried to talk to him every once in a while, it doesn't work. i knew he was going to have guest over this weekend so i offered to clean before he even asked [since it is my responsibility to clean the kitchen] but it was already done by the time i got back. i'm ranting, this can go on forever. stop.

there are many many things that go on in that mind of mine.
i question myself. i question others. i question the world. i question nature. i question technology. i question everything that exists, even things that don't.
there is a lot of doubt and a lot of hope in there. i'm not sure which way to direct my thoughts. there are more thoughts in doubt than hope. i tend not to be to hopeful in the fear of being put down.
i mentioned my happiness before. i don't like that i have no control over that. i use to believe that i did and i really think i did. i don't anymore though. why have i become dependent on others for that? it's sad.

once again ranting. ranting. ranting. that's what goes on in my head.

attempt

happiness.
what a strange feeling. i honestly forgot how great it feels. it comes and goes. this is a different happiness that you don't find everyday. i forgot how unexpected it was.
when i talk to him i get nervous, i feel shy, anxious...the list can honestly go on. where did this come from. i haven't known him for long, but for some reason i feel like the feelings are mutual.

"this can be good" is what my friend says.

i believe it can be.
i just worry that i'm getting ahead of myself.
i guess only time will tell.

the pain of heartbreak is something i don't want to experience again. happiness on the other hand i want to feel that day and night.
i want it to be everywhere around me. i want tears to be a thing of the past.
i don't want to feel the pain i have felt before, but instead the love that i know exists.
yes, i am a romantic. i try to fight it, i always have.
this time i will be different. i have to allow myself to just let things happen and not think about them.
i will hold my breath and jump in.

finally blogging

i'm not too sure at this moment why i created this blog. i created it in december and i kept procrastinating writing on it. it was possibly because i was scared of people reading this, to be more specific i was scared of my friends reading it. i'm not the best at expressing myself through writing or words, so this might become a difficult task for me.