living in an apartment full of silence tends to make me think a lot. it's nice, but at the same time it's not. i know very well that i'm not alone and i try to at least make it clear that i acknowledge the other person is in the room. i want him to know that i'm not pretending he doesn't exist.
i'm not sure what his thoughts are on that, but i do tend to feel invisible when he's around. this isn't anything new in my life, maybe that's why i'm not going crazy.
the thing that does drive me crazy are the reasons for this. it's ridiculous and immature, and i'm taking part in this. i was determined to go through with the silence on purpose at first, then i realized that it was childish. every time i was about to attempt to end this i would get frustrated by him when he stomped through the apartment and only say bye to my friend as he left really loudly and obvious. this would not only annoy me, but it would anger me as well. it's extremely aggravating! it would only make me question why i would want to talk to a person that acts in such a manner. i know that i was playing the same game, but not in such a dramatic way. silence. that's all i used. no stomping around, no dramatic gestures, not saying things that i know will get on his nerves. there is no reason for this to continue, yet it's so hard to stop.
i have tried to talk to him every once in a while, it doesn't work. i knew he was going to have guest over this weekend so i offered to clean before he even asked [since it is my responsibility to clean the kitchen] but it was already done by the time i got back. i'm ranting, this can go on forever. stop.
there are many many things that go on in that mind of mine.
i question myself. i question others. i question the world. i question nature. i question technology. i question everything that exists, even things that don't.
there is a lot of doubt and a lot of hope in there. i'm not sure which way to direct my thoughts. there are more thoughts in doubt than hope. i tend not to be to hopeful in the fear of being put down.
i mentioned my happiness before. i don't like that i have no control over that. i use to believe that i did and i really think i did. i don't anymore though. why have i become dependent on others for that? it's sad.
once again ranting. ranting. ranting. that's what goes on in my head.
sandy.
ReplyDeleteyou are a very good writer.
dont doubt that.
and the thing with happiness.
I think it's good that he makes you happy and everyone deserves it but I personally believe that happiness should first be internal.
Other people or things shouldnt be the reason you are happy. because if something happens, that happiness will dissappear as easily as it came.
Thats why I'm working on having happiness internally. If you can be happy just being by yourself and just being, essentially then when someone comes along and adds to your happiness, then awesome! you can share each others happiness.
but then if that person leaves, in the end you still have your internal happiness.
I had internal happness during highschool. and i glowed! but i lost it last year.
so now I'm trying to get it back and its not that easy but I believe that it is something everyone should have.
You are only dependant on something if you stop trying.