where has the time gone

dear blog,

i haven't seen you in months

life has been very busy and going pretty well

yet here i am again

always returning to you because i long to write

write in a way that i can express myself and be alright

you are a part of my ying yang blogs on blogspot

you are open, while the other is not

strange that i like you more

perhaps it's because i've had you longer

i haven't forgotten about you

and never will

on blog we need to spend more time together

a lot has happened since the last time i wrote in you

let's catch up after finals

me

a new school year is about to begin
i'm not sure if i'm ready yet
4th year..the final year of my undergraduate career
i'm scared and excited
i still the 1st year in me
unaware of what is to come
being fond of the same things

i stand still while the world moves

you are when i hurt
you are my pain
sadness in words
it never seems to go away

i don't understand why i don't understand people
or is it that they just don't understand me?
i feel insecure about myself as it is
i don't speak very much because i know i can be socially awkward
i'm honest, or at least i try really hard to be
i have a lot of things that run in my head
but i know/try not to say them because i don't want to hurt people's feelings
not that i'm doing it intentionally
it's just what i observe and read others
it's hard not to respond honestly when a friend wants to know what you think

i don't understand friendships
but i still have hope that i someday will
there are few that give me hope
i'm sensitive about friendships
because it's hard to really believe in them
and at times
when i do
i learn to find out they were never real
i get hurt

yes
i have my partner
my love
but even he can't fill this emptiness

Estoy Aqui

share

he says...

he says to be strong
but how can i when he is dying
how can i be strong when i'm slowly losing someone i love
how can i be strong when i'm losing my own life
it's hard to be strong when there are so many things going on at once
when i haven't even recovered from things that have occurred in the past
when you're affecting my life and my future
i try to be strong
but it is so hard when it's hard to be happy
it's easy to disguise but it will always be underneath it all

when i'm alone i think about it
when i'm along i worry
when i'm alone i cry
when i'm alone it hurts

i wish it were easier to talk about it with others
i wish it was easier to cry about it in front of others
because it's moments like this when i feel alone
when i know i'm not

the sister

is in an unhealthy relationship
i saw her crying
i didn't know what to do
it's not that i don't care
i just don't know what to do when others are upset
i usually hug them, well i try
i'm a tense person
it's just how i am...awkward

i wish i could have done something
i will help her
she's my sister
i worry about her
i love her

insomnia

that's what he says is killing him...

it's been a while..

my thoughts have been kept up in my mind for the past couple of months
i have been unable to write
there are many reasons as to why this has happened
but the time is near
the quarter is about to end
oh s u m m e r ...
i can smell you, taste you, feel you around me
my skin is taking you in, anticipating the s u n r a y s that carry happyness
r a y s that will rejuvenate who i am
making me smile
yet creating a frown
it has been a difficult quarter...year...
so much has happened
and have learned so much more

there are also many things that lie ahead
so much excitement and fear
b r e a t h e

someone told me i was peculiar today
it made me happy, even though i don't know how i am
she said i was rare...

pe·cu·liar

   [pi-kyool-yer]  Show IPA
-adjective
1. strange; queer; odd
2. uncommon; unusual
3. distinctive in nature or character from others

blue

falling into a darkness

swirls of smoke covering the air

where have i gone?

where am i now?

i close my eyes

smoke turns to clouds

full of life

lifting me

high above

into the world in which i belong

sadly it was all a dream

why do i feel empty?
my mind is blank...
emotions...? not sure where they are
am i feeling disempowered?
edward always does this. he thinks he knows womyn better than actual womyn.
i'm annoyed and cant stop thinking about it.
i cant to disappear again.

nothing new

decided not to run

don't make assumptions

i will not nominate myself

be

i learn something new/different/similar every once in a while
friends are amazing
they make me feel safe and secure when they are pure at heart
thank you for being yourself
being is something that reminds me of the beatles
"let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be, i whisper words of wisdom, let it be..."
something that many people forget of is to let themselves be
don't let the things around you control or influence you in a bad way
let yourself be and not take things so literally
stay true to yourself
love yourself
stay centered
don't be consumed by things that are merely guidelines or symbols

secrets...

in my mind

let me know when it's time to wake up

i don't want to wake up from this dream, this world you have taken me to

i disappear with you into a realm of love

a love that is innocent

you take me back in time emit ni kcab

i feel child-like, in a la la land of h-a-p-p-y-n-e-s-s

no worries, no fear, only us two trying to figure this thing called life together

helping me       u       

                       j        m

                                    p into the ocean by grabbing my hand and saying it's all ok

we sink into the abyss that no on else knows

kiss me. hold me. don't let go. let the ocean take us where it will.

we are together and that's all that matters.

thoughts

i am happy
but there are things that continue to bother me
things that make me think and wish things were different
i question what goes on in my life
i question the people i know
things have changed
times have changed
not sure who my friends are anymore
in better words who are still my friends
of course i have other worries, but i don't want to get into it


current thoughts:
close my blog, as in make private
empty out (or delete) twitter, facebook, myspace
allow myself to let go of people


i'm not secluding or closing myself (i wouldn't allow myself to do that), as i continue in my life journey i learn more about myself
i am somewhat of a social person (still don't quite understand it), but i continue to end up caring too much for those i get close to


getting tired can't finish this entry

missing you

i close my e y e s to see you clearly in my thoughts

holding hands in the park

as we walk through the grass filled with leaves

soft wind blowing by

let me live in this moment for all time

let me get lost in your eyes

i miss you.

thinking of you

i want your arms around me.
tender kisses from your lips.
snuggling me with your soft eskimo kisses.
whispering sweet nothingess in my ear.
i love you.
a smile upon my face when i think of you.
hold me close and please don't let go.
time stand stills. it's only me and you.
starring into each others e y e s, reading each others mind.
flowing freely through each others souls.
we are complete alone. alive.
but together we create.

winter quarter 2010

new beginnings, new me

positive outlook on life

excited for what is to come

work on developing self and learning

let go of the past and move forward

think of the now, be now

be me, independent and happy

i love travis, but he doesn't define me

i must allow myself to open up with him.

keep going sandy

keep going

breathe