past

opening up my first memory sd.
in search of old pictures of who i use to be.
afraid of the memories that might arise.
i will hold them until tomorrow.
i'm going to have a self healing night.
here i go back to my sixteenth birthday...

old memories rushing through my head
old feelings coming back

go away go away
i only want to see her
the girl i use to be
i don't want to see him

he's a part of the past

the girl i use to be

pieces

No one sees me.
I don't exist.
They took me apart.

anxiety

what is wrong with me?
what the fuck is wrong with me?
i hurt myself so much more than others.
my mind runs wild in ever aspect of my life.
i try to control it, but it always gets the best of me.
i try to distract my mind, but its almost impossible.
this is all getting to be too much for me.
i feel like i've driven myself i n s a n e.
there are many thoughts that go through my head.
why is it that i feel like i'm dying? like i'm already dead?
i'm always overwhelmed by my mind.
i can't even express my emotions.
it's only possible when i can't handle it anymore.
i don't like that i am able to keep things in for so long.

d e a t h.
sometimes doesn't seem like a bad idea.

dreams

i told myself i would write this down before i forgot...

dreams are strange.
my unconscious tends to come out in them a lot.
things i thought were over appear fresh in my dreams.

i dreamt of him last night.
it was as if things had never changed.
the setting was beautiful.
we were by a lake that would reflect our image as if we were staring into a
mm ii rr rr oo rr.
he held me. he was so warm.
i felt loved.
we walked around the lake as if nothing could go wrong.
things were so nice.
i found a giant four leaf clover.
we fought over who would keep it.
i ended up winning, only because he picked it and gave it to me.
we continued walking...then i saw her
the most e v i l person i have personally ever known.
she came in and ruined everything.
i could see it in his eyes that he wanted her just as much as he wanted me.
it was different though, i could see the pity he had for her in his eyes.
he wanted to help her.
i told him that he couldn't have everything he wanted.
then he disappeared...
i was left alone with her.

after that moment i kept waking up. i didn't want to face any of it.
if only things could be as they once were, but they never will be.
dreams...
these dreams need to go away.
there is no need to be reliving what happened in the past.
it could be my intuition or hope that something is going to happen.

going home this weekend really messed with my mind.
i brought a lot of memories back to sb with me.

11:11

time to make a wish...
there are so many things that i could wish for.
wishing is a shortcut.
its a good way to pass time.
its equivalent to hoping.
its hard to not do either.
why do we as people always want more?
i wonder if i will ever be h a p p y with what i have.
i've said it before, i once was.
i am happy for all that i have, because i know there are people that have nothing.
it isn't the material things that i want.
i know there has to be more to life than this.
there has to be more to this world.

i'm not saying there isn't a lot to enjoy.
i love all the little things that life and this world has to offer.
i tend to point out things others don't see.
my favorite thing is the rain...
clouds. they have a life of their own.
rain drops. i love those.
the smell of rain. this is love to me.
the sound of rain....
these things bring me h a p p i n e s s.
they allow me to relax.
to be.

gone

i feel like i'm gone.
no one sees me.
eyes shut.
i see no one.
i am alone.
darkness is everywhere.
this is a vision of pain.
what is wrong with me?

honey

i haven't really attempted to write poetry
this is what came out...

i remember you staring at me with those eyes.
those honey colored eyes.
they were so warm and sweet.

there was no way they could deceive.

they were the eyes i fell in love with.

how i miss them.
i would dread every blink.
where did these eyes go.
the sweet honey is gone.
i miss them.
i miss you.
at the same time.
i hate you.
you t o r e my h e a r t.
stepped on it.
never bothering to look at the mess you made.

my mind says fuck you!
my heart says love you...
why can't these memories disappear.
you did.

i need to get him out of my mind.
time has allowed me to cope with the pain.
will it ever go away?
i don't think so.
things were left off in bad terms.
there isn't a day that i don't think about him.
things will get better.
i will face him in my own way.
it will hurt.

calm down my heart and mind.
don't forget to breath my lungs.
eyes, please open for there is a brighter day ahead.

writings

how i wish i could express myself through writing.
i'm sometimes capable of doing it.
i wish i could do it more often.

i sit here. in what use to be my room.
i should be working on my project, but i'm not procrastinating.
my aunt hasn't called me back, so i can't leave yet.
so many ideas going through my head.
i don't think i'll finish this. there's a lot of work to do.

trying to find out who am i. i guess that's what i'm using this project for.
there are so many questions about the past of my relatives.
there is so much on their backs, on my back.
my ucla friend made me realize that. they cycle goes on.
what they hold on their backs continues to be on mine.
i hope this all goes well and everyone opens up.

i sometimes feel like i have s p l i t personalities.
i tend to be different people to myself and to others.
i don't do it on purpose, because even when i'm alone i think differently.
it's strange.
i was called insane yesterday. i admitted that i was.
i know i need help, but who doesn't these days?
the more i learn the more i feel i'm losing my mind.
the more i experience the more i feel like i'm losing my mind.
the more i live the more i feel like i'm losing my mind.
i can't escaped it, might as well accept it.

this astrology stuff has really gotten to me.
it's been in my mind since thanksgiving.
in almost ever aspect it encompasses who i am.
because of this i have put my horoscope on my desktop.
today's:

"your deep attachment to the loved ones feels strong and secure today. no matter what happens, you'll deal with it. that's true commitment."

it's funny. i remember wanting to start this blog with my astrological sign description [cancer].
this wouldn't let me. i suppose because it was plagiarism. i did quote, it still didn't take it. oh well.
i've been trying to get in touch with different parts of myself that i knew were there, but i didn't know could be pursued.
it all pulls me in. all of this which is considered not to be normal.
there is no definition to normal.

i'm sandy. i'm not normal. i'm no one else.
even then i don't know how to be myself. i don't know who i am.
i want to go find myself.
the one home told me "you can't find yourself, you make yourself"
i never knew he could make so much sense.
i want to make myself into the person that i believe that i am or could be.
it's hard to really say that, because i do feel like i am lost.
in the past i knew exactly who i was, now she's gone.
lost in time. lost within all of this new knowledge that i have.
she'll never return. i haven't accepted that. i want to be the girl that i once knew.
the girl that everyone knew.
i guess that's a part of growing up. that girl is gone and all that is left is this womyn.
i'm not familiar with this womyn. i don't like her that much.
this is aggravating!
this is too much for me right now.
i need to focus.

week

a lot has happened this past week.
i realized how i was wrong in so many points with him.
he isn't bad. he is sweet.
he makes me smile even when we're not close.
darn him.
it was a busy week. it was still good. i was so happy when he text me.
i couldn't hold it in.
now i'm home. at least the place that should be considered home.
i got in a big argument with my mom. ahh!
i've had a good night with my friends. they're great.
i'm just not sure where to sleep and if i should go home tomorrow.
tired. blog later.

distracted

i should be working on my reading notes for global studies. i can't focus.
i just got out of the shower to wake me up.
mind is going crazy. i'm not making a lot of sense. i'm trying to stay awake.
arg.
i hate this.
i can't wait for this stress and worry to disappear.
i can't wait until thursday.
curls and i are going to go away for the day.
it will be fun.
we will sing. we will laugh. we will cry. we will be happy.

frustration

what the fuck! what the fuck!! what the fuck!!!
what is his problem? i know that i'm most likely over thinking this as well.
i just want him to say hi. that's it. a simple hello.
why hasn't he said anything? was the other night a mistake?
i didn't think he would be one of those guys. he seemed a lot more sincere.
stop sandy stop. he did say that he had three midterms coming up this week.
he could be busy with that, but a hi wouldn't hurt!
it's driving me crazy inside.
why did i fall for him? why?
i try not to let my guard down, but it always seems to happen.
i couldn't resist his charm. his smile. its so very kind.
please don't be like the other guys here. please be different. at least for me.
i know i'm different from the other girls. i know there's something special in me.
i thought he saw that...
please don't go and blow out the little light of hope i have inside me on this.
i made him a valentine's present. a hemp bracelet. he said he wanted me to make him one.
i hope i get the chance to give it to him.
thoughts go on and on and on. my mind needs to stop!

love. oh love why are you on my mind when i get a taste of a little romance.
love. so strong. so bitter sweet. so simple yet so hard. so painful.
why do i have such a strong will to love. i don't like showing it. i don't like it.
it can be seen as a weakness, i see it as one. it can be great, but it's horrible if i don't have it.
frustration overcomes me. i think it's more towards myself than towards him.
he hasn't done anything. it's all me.
is this me being desperate for love?
it is and it isn't. i have that attention from the one back home, i don't want it from him.
i don't have that connection with him. i never will.
i'm desperate him.
i can't get enough. i hate how he is so close yet so far.

i am ranting again. i can't help it. this is how my mind works.
those that know me well, know that i think to much.
my mind works overtime without ever stopping.
it's like the energizer bunny. it just keeps going and going and going.
i want it to stop, but it won't. it never will.
i've had enough of this. it will drive me insane. that is to say it already hasn't.

i had a call from a restricted number the other day when my mom was here.
i know it was the one i lost. it had to have been him.
he's the only one i know that would call from a restricted number.
i picked up, but then he hung up.
why does this happen?
i hate him. i hate him so much.
i know i didn't say happy birthday directly to him, but if he's going to call he might as well say something.
i know it would have caused me more pain than i'm in right now, but who cares. i still yearn to hear his voice.
i want to hear it say i miss you. i'm here for you. i love you...
this only hurts me more. i feel like crying right now. i haven't allowed myself to think this way in a while.
this needs to stop. "it's not a good time." but it's never a good time.
i have midterms...perhaps after midterms...

i want to scream!
i want to cry!
i want to collapse!
i want to let it all go!
i want to be free!

to be free.
free from all of this pain.
free from all of this fear.
free from all of this.

i want to breath again.
i want to be happy again.
i want to be myself again.
i want to live again.

i hope for that day to come. i want it to be here. i must wait. it will come soon...
for now i must go on living...

opening eyes

i woke up from a long nap.
i was so tired, i slept on my fucked up bed.
its really funny that it got so destroyed.
there were so many funny things that happened last night.
it was all so much fun
yet, why is it that things can be so wrong when they feel so right?
i said i would hold my breath and jump in, this is a hard.
i can't put my guard down as hard as i try.
i want to trust him i do. i just can't.
how can i trust someone i haven't known for very long?
every time he hold me i wonder if he really cares.
every time his sweet lips kiss me i wonder if there's meaning behind them.
his touch is so soft and gentle. it drives me crazy.
i like this feeling, i like it a lot. i know it is bound to disappear, i don't want to lose it.
what is wrong with me!
my friend and i feel the same way. we must scream. we have to scream. let it all out. every bit out.
i'm glad that i'm not alone. love her to death.

"happiness damn near destroys you
breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
so you tell yourself that's enough for now
happiness has a violent roar"

-the fray

morning

woke up in his bed.
last night was crazy.
loud. so loud and good. felt really good.
morning after is unusual.
pay attention to me. it could he because his roomie is here and i'm shirtless under this blanket.
strange but nice morning. there's some nice Portuguese song playing.
good music.
shirtless morning.

rain. boots. coat.

the rain makes me happy. i'm not sure why, it just does.
its probably because i love the smell.
its very fresh and clean.
i love the smell of rain.

today is his birthday. i've been contemplating saying it. not directly but through his brother.
this sure does make me feel like a coward, but i really can't talk to him.
after this last summer all he's ever brought me was pain.

time for class.
this will continue...

its almost 2 now

i said happy birthday.
enough of that. i'm not sure how i feel.

the rain makes me smile. i love being bundled up in my boots and coat.
so much warmth. i feel like going to the beach but i don't think it'll happen.
my hair loses control in this weather. people say things spit it but i don't know if its a compliment or they're making fun of me.
who knows. i like it.
it makes me feel a bit wild and sexy. lol.

i hope the rain continues for a little bit but not too long. i want to see the butterflies with him.
he makes me smile and feel like a little girl.
even though he makes me happy i don't trust him.

more on this later. time for class.

semi good news

saturday night my sisters car was wrecked.

this was the news i heard on sunday from my mom.
she was upset as usual, but won't show it.
i don't like to hear my mom hurt that way.
these are things i don't like to hear, because i know a bunch of drama involving my sister follows.
i was very frustrated! another thing my sister has fucked up on!
i couldn't understand why she would do something so irresponsible.
why doesn't she appreciate the things that my parents give her?
will she ever stop?
thoughts that ran through my head: was she drunk, did she let someone else drunk drive her car...what happened?

today i was glad to finally hear the story from her.
it wasn't her fault at all.

she was sober.
she went to pick up a friend [with two guys in the car that were drunk]
she had to go back inside for something and when she returned outside her car was gone.
she called them to see where they were.
her friends had taken the car around the block. they were surrounded by cops.
luckily it was only someone that had called because they saw a random car outside.
nothing happened to them.
my sister got in her car, only to hear an ugly sound coming from it.
the guys had hit the curbed and messed up her tire alignments.

this is semi good news.
i'm glad that she had not been the cause of this.
the past months have been bad and she didn't need to get into anymore trouble.
i told her to let my dad know what really happened. he tends to be more understanding than my mom.
even though she didn't want to do it, she is.
it's better for him to know the truth than have no trust in her and only think of her as being irresponsible.

warm and tired

can't wait to get ready for bed.
i'm extremely tired, but i don't want to go to bed yet.
i bought the book wicca: a guide for the solitary practitioner by scott cunningham yesterday [thanks to my friends]. my intentions were to buy a book about astrology, but instead ended up thinking about a book someone once told me about.
i have only read a couple of pages, it is amazing!
i had a good day and night.

"wicca is a joyous religion springing from our kinship with nature. it is a merging with the goddesses and gods, the universal energies that created all existence. it is personal, positive celebration of life." (c. xiv)

frustrated mind

the thought of disappearing always returns.
an emotional wreck that is what i am. i hide it the best that i can, which isn't too difficult since i usually get upset when i'm alone. or close enough to it.
i don't like it when my thoughts make my emotions get the best of me. it makes things worse. my mind will only trip itself out more than it already does.
i wish it didn't work in such a manner. i don't like over thinking things. i do it too much and tend not to make sense. even to myself. it makes me feel crazy and unable to communicate with myself let alone those around me.
i'm blabbering as usual. i'm too tired for my mind to function properly.
zzzzz. goes my mind. this will continue later on today.
hopefully it all makes sense by then.