frustration

what the fuck! what the fuck!! what the fuck!!!
what is his problem? i know that i'm most likely over thinking this as well.
i just want him to say hi. that's it. a simple hello.
why hasn't he said anything? was the other night a mistake?
i didn't think he would be one of those guys. he seemed a lot more sincere.
stop sandy stop. he did say that he had three midterms coming up this week.
he could be busy with that, but a hi wouldn't hurt!
it's driving me crazy inside.
why did i fall for him? why?
i try not to let my guard down, but it always seems to happen.
i couldn't resist his charm. his smile. its so very kind.
please don't be like the other guys here. please be different. at least for me.
i know i'm different from the other girls. i know there's something special in me.
i thought he saw that...
please don't go and blow out the little light of hope i have inside me on this.
i made him a valentine's present. a hemp bracelet. he said he wanted me to make him one.
i hope i get the chance to give it to him.
thoughts go on and on and on. my mind needs to stop!

love. oh love why are you on my mind when i get a taste of a little romance.
love. so strong. so bitter sweet. so simple yet so hard. so painful.
why do i have such a strong will to love. i don't like showing it. i don't like it.
it can be seen as a weakness, i see it as one. it can be great, but it's horrible if i don't have it.
frustration overcomes me. i think it's more towards myself than towards him.
he hasn't done anything. it's all me.
is this me being desperate for love?
it is and it isn't. i have that attention from the one back home, i don't want it from him.
i don't have that connection with him. i never will.
i'm desperate him.
i can't get enough. i hate how he is so close yet so far.

i am ranting again. i can't help it. this is how my mind works.
those that know me well, know that i think to much.
my mind works overtime without ever stopping.
it's like the energizer bunny. it just keeps going and going and going.
i want it to stop, but it won't. it never will.
i've had enough of this. it will drive me insane. that is to say it already hasn't.

i had a call from a restricted number the other day when my mom was here.
i know it was the one i lost. it had to have been him.
he's the only one i know that would call from a restricted number.
i picked up, but then he hung up.
why does this happen?
i hate him. i hate him so much.
i know i didn't say happy birthday directly to him, but if he's going to call he might as well say something.
i know it would have caused me more pain than i'm in right now, but who cares. i still yearn to hear his voice.
i want to hear it say i miss you. i'm here for you. i love you...
this only hurts me more. i feel like crying right now. i haven't allowed myself to think this way in a while.
this needs to stop. "it's not a good time." but it's never a good time.
i have midterms...perhaps after midterms...

i want to scream!
i want to cry!
i want to collapse!
i want to let it all go!
i want to be free!

to be free.
free from all of this pain.
free from all of this fear.
free from all of this.

i want to breath again.
i want to be happy again.
i want to be myself again.
i want to live again.

i hope for that day to come. i want it to be here. i must wait. it will come soon...
for now i must go on living...