You tell me that it’s okay
Even though I remember those days
Before I was born
You threw a microwaves
Of emotions that go back and forth
Happiness and anger
Happiness and Anger
Anger and Anger
ANGER
An anger that was unseen by a child
Only heard, at the age of three
Hiding in mi cuevita in the hallway
From the sounds that terrified
Hiding from the yelling monster
Hoping it would all go away
Coming out when they did
Happy that it had disappeared
If only that happiness could continue
Never knowing what was really going on would have prolonged my childhood
A childhood that was cut short because of the violence
I remember the night when it was lashed away…
You came into our room intoxicated
Searching for my mom
Ready to hit her
To whip her with your belt
Ready…
One bed of three
Two daughters, one mother
Ready…
Two daughters, frightened by the monster sounds and now by its presence, his presence
A mother that had already endured so much
Ready…
no, No, NO!
Never ready to be hit
Never ready to feel the pain
Never ready to see the truth
I wasn’t FUCKEN ready!
I wasn’t ready to grow up!
I wasn’t ready to see you this way!
You were ready to hit her…
But hit me instead
You weren’t ready for that
You’re still not…
You only want me to remember the “good times”
Like…
The joy in your face
When I learned to tie my shoe lace
Your smile
When you saw how fast I could run the mile
Your face can hide the fact that you were proud
When I went into pre-school and said “Good Morning Dingo” out loud
You still make fun of me to this day
You still lie to my face to this day
Why must you hide everything behind those eyes?
I will still love you. I do love you. I will always love you.
But its hard when you lie.
I too wish they weren’t true
So I could open my eyes and say it was all a nightmare
That everything was okay
That the monster was only a figment of my imagination
Having no relation to reality
If only…I can’t dwell on the if onlys
It happened
We move on but we can’t ignore the rest
We move on but we can’t ignore the past
I don’t. You shouldn’t. It only hurts more.
These lies make me suppress the past
They hide what happened…
Alcoholism happened
Abuse and Violence happened
A close suicide at five happened
Running away happened
It all happened!
I am who I am because of the past
I don’t trust others
I don’t depend on others
I don’t like being cornered
I don’t like small spaces
I have strange social skills
I am quiet
I am hard headed
When threatened I put up my fists instead of my words
I am artistic
I am me
I am Sandy
Denying the past is as if denying who I am
Don’t take away another part of me
