never imagined

happyness fills my lungs with each breath

i melt with every touch

my love

sweet little trip

going away to santa barbara
playing the fray
i'm losing myself in a swirl of happyness
will it ever stop?
i hope not.
i don't want to lose this again.
love.

this time

i'm not quite sure what is happening
i have had time to process this now and still can't
the love, it's obviously there
no doubt about it

he's himself and i'm myself
it's really as if things never changed, yet they have in so many ways
we're both taking this one step at a time
we've only barely touched upon the outer layer of who we are
there are many things he doesn't know about me and many that i don't know about him
only time will tell of what will happen between us
whether it be closure, a friendship or more
i have no expectations, which is how i usually think of things
no need to get ahead of myself when nothing is certain

first thoughts...

red alert: unexpectedness
going to pass out and die
g o i n g t o p a s s o u t a n d d i e
how could you do this to me now?
i'm finally recovering and you return
i can't say i'm not surprised


i drew you to me
i'm mad at myself for bringing this upon myself in the past week


it's been a week since i thought of you
it's been a week since i found you
it's been a week since i put the p
                                                    i       e  c
                                                        e   
                                                                s 
                                                                   together


don't do this
not now

chai latte?

rosy pink lips

they have nowhere to go
lipstick falling onto a cup of chai
hypnotizing smell
swirls of love going up away into the air
disappearing from existence
i sit here wonder about the one that will
taste. smell. love. the things that i adore.
i get so lost sometimes...

wondering thoughts

te veo
te quiero

kiss kiss kiss

up my back
tenderness in your lips
passion is what you hold inside
show me the things you never dared to do
let go of it all
love

mariposa

i've started to write my thoughts down.
they're tangled up in a world of day dreams.
lost within the boundaries of my own mind.
inner most feelings.
i'm healing.


"twist and turns.
things were upside down.
it's time to think and grow.
expanding from left to right.
going way up high then way down low.
don't let people stop what is being written in time.
they don't know what goes on in my mind.
they can't read me how i can read them.
stop.
the flow has been disrupted.
time is going out of control.
thoughts are scrambling.
emotions...blank...no comment?
empty.
this hollow heart still beats.
echos ringing.
echos falling.
echos in every breath i take.
thum
     thu
         m
                  th
                        um
                                th
                                  u
                                     m"


"let me write.
fuzziness of white thickening my vision.
darkness falling down.
sophicating from within.
blur...this is a blur.
closing when trying to open wide.
wide enough to see it all.
every color detail of texture.
sinking up at time moves upside down, turn around and backwards.
splashing into air with the smell of rain.
cleaning the way.
cleaning the toxic.
eyes of mine.
see yourself sending messages to the mind.
wondering how to expand it.
coughing up smoke from the toxic feeding in through you.
open. shut. open.
in. out. in. out...
time is still as ink creates.
a beginning to a world of difference.
emotions touching pages, touching lives.
what creates can also destroy.
pain made that doesn't go away.
let me down in my world of sorrow.
time took you away.
happyness was clear as the days we spend in our rain drop.
let me kiss those lips.
goodbye."

grr at myself

why do i look at pictures i know make my heart sink?
it's hard not to wonder how things could have been
i guess it's one of those things that won't go away for a while
great memories don't disappear.

these eyes

droopy

         tired

             sore

needed:

      relaxation

                sleep

                    close      

                 breathe

           listen

      open

look

the world is spinning

               but time is stopping

                        everyone freezes

          take a step into heaven

falling from a cloud

drop

drop


drop

 

 






splash


body dripping

floating

rising up up up above

above the smoke

above the clouds

free

kellum

don't lift me up
with your strong intent on dropping me back down
are you like this?
afraid to be yourself

and if you somehow get through all of this
without hating yourself, for all of this
just know that i will hate you enough
for the both of us

spent that night alone
the first in a long time
forgotten all the loneliness and darkness in my life
you lost a friend the day that you let go
to drown in the sea of regret and no one knows

that i'm alone and i
can't blame anyone but you
self loathing once filled me but now i know the truth

spent that night alone
the first in a long time
forgotten all the loneliness and darkness in my life
you lost a friend the day that you let go
to drown in the sea of regret and no one knows

spent that night alone
the first in a long time
forgotten all the loneliness and darkness in my life
you lost a friend the day that you let go
to drown in the sea of regret and no one knows

by bayside

a friend gave me this song
it's amazing when people understand how you feel
i appreciate the human mind
i love the human heart
thank you

chuck

missed shout out loud bingo
i think i made a sexy guy

suffocating

i feel myself drowning with every breath i try to take
my words are drowning
i'm forcing myself to swallow them whole
burning my throat
burning my lungs
burning my soul
i'm choking
let me go
no one should hold me down
no one should instill this f o r c e
this p o w e r over me
i'm not weak
i stand tall for myself
it only gets harder when someone else has an advantage
a p r i v i l e g e

try to drown my words
choke me with all your might
words...
they have a way of making themselves known
i will take a breath
i will spit
my words..they will be heard

chameleon

changing in front of my eyes
no longer warm but cold and blue
its something i see
wishing everyone could see
the change that is skin deep
but not as easily seen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
jumpy perky happy
thoughts that may possibly cross your mind
this is different
not a feeling
a change needed to move forward
even if only for a few hours
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
if only you would stop
and let them see who i see
don't be insecure
tracings through your tough words
i whisper in my mind

sleepless saying

silence slows down my thoughts.
slows down time.
stop.
its time to breathe.

captivated

i saw your honey eyes again

they were in a dream i had last night

you come unexpectedly

making me miss you and want to be with you

i felt you

soft skin

tender lips

sweet sweet honey eyes

glazed with tears

you were in pain

i wanted to help

you never let me

i never let you

spinning until i fell

you showed up

helped me

i pushed you away

tears that never disappear

inspiration

te vi
te conosco
soon to be c r e a t e d
no te vas a ir
estas en mi mente
estas en mi corazon
healing expression

mental images of things i want to draw
let me put down my pencil to c r e a t e

october

cool breeze
sunny skies
red, orange, yellow, brown leaves
swirling
round and round
crunch!
i stepped on one...two....five...nine
happiness

hello october autumn
you're my season of fascination

despertó mi corazon

abri mis ojos
se lo que quiero hacer
te quiero
te amo
espero que siempre estes con migo

mi arte

my bunny

you were supposed to come this weekend with my mom
you were my soft and chubby little friend
i will never forget the times you would stand on your little paws when you wanted a treat
or how you ran around my legs when you were happy
you always made me laugh every time you humped your stuffed animal
you were always there to hug when i was sad
i'm going to miss you
love you forever
you're always in my heart

yet again....

breathe
the air is so thick,
it's making it harder to breathe.
let me breathe.
you're overwhelming,
you're presence...painfully pleasurable,
filling my lungs with intoxicating clouds,
growing with every breath,
taking over...
your finger tips made my world shake,
they made me want to hide with a smile,
childish flirt filled with fear,
filled with tension.
shaking...shaking...destroying
the earthquake only growing as you get closer.
holding me with no touch.
waiting...waiting for you to embrace me,
grab me tightly and not let me go.
kiss me.
i know you want to kiss me...just as badly as i want to kiss you.
a kiss..so simple yet like breathing you made it hard.
lips like yours will not be mine,
your sweet scent gone,
your warm arms embrace disappear.
they don't exist with me,
they belong to another.
one, two, three and almost a fourth kiss...belonging to her.

drawing again...

i started drawing again and have decided to major in art studio
it makes me happy and allows me to express myself
i'm rusty, but i have been working on it
these are the few things that i have drawn in my sketch book (in order)

in the clouds...slowing down the leaves

falling...

falling.......

falling..upside down

light and thin

to the stars on the ground

with crunchy skin

piece by peace

disappearing through sound

liquid flame

raw heat bursts from your flames

jealousy burning with cumulative lies
you are strong
rough
controlling
and destructive
yet undeniably beautiful
you were always losing control
battling for every breath
growing by blazing others
living in consequence of damage
hiding the truth
your flame cannot cover impoverished pain

tenacious waves break against cliffs
upsetting tears slipping through earth
irrigation extending from deep abyss and beyond the grounds of land
yearning to heal your frantic troubled flare
fear does not fill a drop
growth only draws me closer
heaven weeping
breathe
be calm
be at peace

hault

wonderful brick wall

stop the lies.

stop the jealousy.
stop the justification.
even though i don't want to, i can't help but see right through you.
be honest.
don't force me to climb over you.
you present a difficulty that needs to end.
it drains me. tires me.
i don't understand why you want to be everything, try to be everything.
your colors are beautiful as they are.
why are you trying so hard to impress others?
why do you compete when there is no one competing against you?
be yourself.

sometimes i wish i couldn't read people so well.
it's a part of me that at times i wish i could change, but in the end it only helps me understand others.
even if it involves understanding parts of them i don't want to see.

there are many things i haven't shared.
many things no one knows about me.
you think you know me.
stop.
you don't know what goes on in my mind.
you don't know my emotions.
you don't know my experiences.
don't tell me what is good for me.
don't tell me what i see.
don't tell me what i feel.
don't tell me about my mind.

leave it.
everyone thinks differently.
we all have our own beliefs.

consistency

i'm finally feeling like myself again
the past year i was mess and hardly felt like myself
i will move forward this year with new goals that i will achieve
focus on myself
learn about myself
try to stop worrying about others more than i do about myself
it's my life and i don't know when my next one will be
might as well make the best of this one

blogging must become a consistent thing
i have to stop moving around so much on nothingness
focus, focus, focus
i do not need pills

...15 page paper

Vida

quiero vivir

quiero meterme en el mar
no quiero regresar
que me lleve a un mundo nuevo
un mundo sin tanto dolor
un mundo donde puedo tocar las estrellas

(W)omyn (O)f Color (R)evolutionary (D)ialogues Piece

Four

You tell me that it’s okay

Even though I remember those days

Before I was born

You threw a microwaves

Of emotions that go back and forth

Happiness and anger

Happiness and Anger

Anger and Anger

ANGER

An anger that was unseen by a child

Only heard, at the age of three

Hiding in mi cuevita in the hallway

From the sounds that terrified

Hiding from the yelling monster

Hoping it would all go away

Coming out when they did

Happy that it had disappeared

If only that happiness could continue

Never knowing what was really going on would have prolonged my childhood

A childhood that was cut short because of the violence

I remember the night when it was lashed away…

You came into our room intoxicated

Searching for my mom

Ready to hit her

To whip her with your belt

Ready…

One bed of three

Two daughters, one mother

Ready…

Two daughters, frightened by the monster sounds and now by its presence, his presence

A mother that had already endured so much

Ready…

no, No, NO!

Never ready to be hit

Never ready to feel the pain

Never ready to see the truth

I wasn’t FUCKEN ready!

I wasn’t ready to grow up!

I wasn’t ready to see you this way!

You were ready to hit her…

But hit me instead

You weren’t ready for that

You’re still not…

You only want me to remember the “good times”

Like…

The joy in your face

When I learned to tie my shoe lace

Your smile

When you saw how fast I could run the mile

Your face can hide the fact that you were proud

When I went into pre-school and said “Good Morning Dingo” out loud

You still make fun of me to this day

You still lie to my face to this day

Why must you hide everything behind those eyes?

I will still love you. I do love you. I will always love you.

But its hard when you lie.

I too wish they weren’t true

So I could open my eyes and say it was all a nightmare

That everything was okay

That the monster was only a figment of my imagination

Having no relation to reality

If only…I can’t dwell on the if onlys

It happened

We move on but we can’t ignore the rest

We move on but we can’t ignore the past

I don’t. You shouldn’t. It only hurts more.

These lies make me suppress the past

They hide what happened…

Alcoholism happened

Abuse and Violence happened

A close suicide at five happened

Running away happened

It all happened!

I am who I am because of the past

I don’t trust others

I don’t depend on others

I don’t like being cornered

I don’t like small spaces

I have strange social skills

I am quiet

I am hard headed

When threatened I put up my fists instead of my words

I am artistic

I am me

I am Sandy

Denying the past is as if denying who I am

Don’t take away another part of me

cierro mi corazon

cierro mi corazon
cierro mis sentimientos
estoy cansada de la gente
estoy cansada de to do
me quede sin nadie con quien hablar
me quede callada
sin saber en quien confiar

no puedo ver el sol
no puedo ver la luz que brilla el dia
no puedo sentir la luz que tengo adentro de mi alma
no puedo ver la luna
la luna que asusta la oscuridad
la luna, guia de mi alma

quiero ver mi futuro
porque no puedo ver lo que va a pasar
pero como voy a ver mi futuro si el presente no esta claro

over it

it will soon be time to say bye to score
you can call me bitter
a sore loser
jealous
whatever you like
i don't want to be a part of something that compares to as elections
i guess this must be some small degree of what my friend felt
i would have stayed if sally won, because she actually did work
nothing against yvette, i feel like she didn't deserve it/work for it
i don't want a pat on the back for the work that i have done
but the people within the org should know who has done the work
sally and i were always out there
yvette wasn't
she's a great friend and person
i just don't want to be a part of something like that
good bye score
i will not run for any positions in any as org, or any org in general
i will work
that's it
good bye useu
good bye womyns com. (depending if curls wins)

hello sirrc
hello el congreso
hello mujer

score elections

don't want to talk about it
i will only talk with those that i feel comfortable with

dos meses

i didn't realize how long i had neglected my blog.
words have been hard to put down.
there are many things in my mind that i don't want to put down.
and i have no idea how to put them down.
i have my moments where i write.
i have my moments where i draw.
i have my moments where i paint.
i have my moments where i create.
is it time?
or is it fear?
the fear of letting myself open up so much that i make myself vulnerable?
possibly.

angry again

once again i am filled with anger

who the fuck do you think you are!
all of you!
what makes you so special?
we are all the same, but you continue to be exclusive.
why?
how dare you be exclusive, when you're sole purpose is to be inclusive?
you contradict yourselves in so many ways!
fuck you fuck you fuck you

just shoot me

Shut the fuck up
Stop getting to me
You need to go away
You are not a revolutionary
I am me
You are not
Don't steal my indentity
I won't let you
Fuck you
You don't know me
Too much anger inside me

finished

I carry a lot on my back.
Constantly feeling like I am under attack.
My mind goes around,
While my emotions hit the ground.
People cannot see what lies,
In these eyes.
The pain,
Given by the gain,
Of others.
Others that do not know.
They do not know the truth.
The truth.
The truth.
You want to know the truth?
Learn the truth.
I speak the truth.

I am a generalization,
Of the discrimination,
That began with Americanization,
Stop.
Mexicanization,
A term that derives from a third world nation.
Because of the colonization.
Intertwined with globalization.

El Salvador.
Translation.
The savior.
Incapable of saving,
Because of the forced paving.
Created by the “Yankee doodle went to town” trying to colonize,
Because he felt he had the right,
To go put on a fight.
A fight against what,
Communism?
Marxism?
Socialism?
Activism?

A fight against a Revolution.
A Revolution,
Caused by the pollution,
Of bodies
Piled up on the sides of the road.
People confused as to where to go.
Because of the bodies on the road.
Piling bodies,
Men, womyn, and children.
Piling limbs,
Nose, ears, arms, hands, legs, feet and toes.
Bodies that came through accusation,
Assassination,
Because they sought liberation.

Fight against the innocent.
The innocent.
The people.
The silenced.
The families.
The children.
The innocent.
Not knowing what to do
Not wanting to chose a side
Not knowing whether they will live or die
Eyes wide open,
Looking,
Searching,
Trying to find a way out.
Thinking about migration.

Only because they were force into migration.
Migration turns into deportation.
It seems like there is no salvation.
If only it were a different situation,
Without all of the deterioration.

What about the fight against racism?
Sexism?
Classism?
Capitalism?
In other words contemporary imperialism.
Never enough exploitation,
Always having to create segregation.
More labor, more divides.
People having to decide.

The fight continues through
Corruption and destruction,
In the salvation situation.
Because of the accusations and assassinations,
Causing deterioration.
Forcing immigration and deportation.
Creating segregation in exploitation.
Is this a revolution?
Liberation?
Or just pollution?
Transition in Translation
Generalization is discrimination because of mexicanization.
No.
Globalization is colonization through Americanization.

Stop.
It’s over.
The papers have been signed.
There’s no reason to deny.
It’s all over.
It’s gone.
Wait. What?
Who are they kidding?
We have every reason to deny,
Because the papers were signed.
The fight continues through

Corruption and destruction,
In the salvation situation.
Because of the accusations and assassinations,
Causing deterioration.
Forcing immigration and deportation.
Creating segregation in exploitation.
Is this a revolution?
Liberation?
Or just pollution?
Transition in Translation
Generalization is discrimination because of mexicanization.
No.
Globalization is colonization through Americanization.

It’s hidden like zero…

One, two, pick a side,
Three, four, go and hide,
Five, six, you know it’s fixed,
Seven, eight, don’t make a mistake,
Nine, ten, don’t do it again,
Eleven, Twelve years of pain.
Twelve years of war.
Twelve years of death.
Twelve years of a regime that continues today.

a work in progress

I carry a lot on my back.

Constantly feeling like I am under attack.

My mind goes around,

While my emotions hit the ground.

People cannot see what lies

In these eyes.

The pain,

Given by the gain,

Of others.

Others that do not know.

They do not know the truth.

The truth.

The truth.

You want to know the truth?

Learn the truth.

I speak the truth.

I am a generalization,

Of the discrimination,

That began with Americanization,

Stop.

Mexicanization,

A term that derives from a third world nation.

Because of the colonization.

Intertwined with globalization.

El Salvador.

Translation.

The savior.

Incapable of saving,

Because of the forced paving.

Created by the “Yankee doodle went to town” trying to colonize,

Because he felt he had the right,

To go put on a fight.

A fight against what,

Communism?

Marxism?

Socialism?

Activism?

What about the fight against racism?

Sexism?

Classism?

Capitalism?

In other words contemporary imperialism.

Never enough exploitation,

Always having to create segregation.

More labor, more divides.

People having to decide.

One, two, pick a side,

Three, four, go and hide,

Five, six, you know it’s fixed,

Seven, eight, don’t make a mistake,

Nine, ten, don’t do it again,

Eleven, Twelve years of pain.

Twelve years of war.

Twelve years of death.

Twelve years of a regime that continues today.